Running With Quills: Suzanne reflects on the subject of Friendship

Welcome to Running With Quills, your online newsletter designed to keep you up to date with what your favorite authors (that would be us) are doing throughout the year. Here you will find the release dates of our new books and get information about our backlists. We'll preview our cover art here long before the books hit the stores and we'll keep you informed about works-in-progress and special projects. You'll also receive advance notice of signings and appearances. From time to time we'll give you a peek at our worlds, tell you what we're reading, and introduce you to some new authors.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Suzanne reflects on the subject of Friendship

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship, probably because an old friend of mine was here visiting this past weekend. (I’m talking “old friend” as in the kind that knew me before I had children, even before I became a writer!)

Judy and I hadn't seen each other in over a year and yet, without missing a beat, we picked up our conversation and our friendship exactly where we left off. We talked about our families and our children, about what we're doing now, about our dreams for the future. And we reminisced about the past, of course, and the crazy things we did when we were younger and could stay up half the night with nary a dark circle under our eyes in the morning to show for it.

This past weekend we laughed. We confided. We remembered. And we got a few tears in our eyes. Life hasn't always turned out the way we thought it would back when we first met — we were both so young, could we ever have been that young?

And while I share my personal life with my best friends who are writers and my professional life with my best friends who aren't writers, I realize that after 20+ years in the “Biz,” I do tend to think of my friends as either being writing or non-writing.

I wonder if we all divide our friendships into two categories: those we meet through our professional lives and those we meet through our personal lives.

I also know I prefer women as friends. By far. In fact, most of my “nearest and dearest” are women. But I’m also thankful that two of my closest friends are men. (One is my husband, my best friend, and the other is my son.)

I remember singing a sentimental little song when I was a child. It went something like this: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.”

As the new year begins, I realize that I am so fortunate to have both silver and gold “friendships” in my life.

So Inquiring Minds want to know: What role do friendships play in your life? Do you have “silver and gold” friends? Please share your thoughts about friendship: our friends are some of the most important relationships we will ever have.

Here’s to 2007!
Suzanne

23 Comments:

marcia in ok said...: Suzanne,

I work with Girl Scouts locally and we have a "Camp Song"

"Make New friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. A circle is round, it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend."

I too have "old" friends, and they are often "work friends" or "home Friends". Very few really know me in both those environments.; 10:16 AM
Gram said...: I am lucky to have both. I have also lost some of the older friends, my friends from school and child raising. I am lucky that I have been able to make friends along the way, both at work and in my personal life. The majority of my friends are women, but like you the men in my home and family are also my friends. There were many times that would have been much harder to make it through if not for my friends. They have supported me through good times and bad. I hope I have done as much for them. I would like to see more of them, but in between visits we have e-mail.; 10:18 AM
Pia said...: Suzanne,
I have been blessed to have such wonderful friends, I consider 2 wonderful ladies who knew me and that I too knew since I was in 7th grade. Although we haven't seen each other in years, whenever there is something whether good or not so good news we are always there for each other.
As for the best best friend that I could ever have, that crown would go to my husband.
An unforgettable quote that I keep close to my heart is from the 1946 movie It's A Wonderful Life, "No man is a failure who has friends".; 10:24 AM
nellsquirrel said...: My friendship with women has sustained me through so much.

I have old friends, including 2 sisters and "new" friends - some of whom I've yet to meet face to face (thanks Ms. Ann!!!).

I can't imagine my life without them. Just like I can't imagine life without my husband and son.

I'm wealthy beyond belief because of the women I call "sisters".; 10:57 AM
cate said...: Years ago, a friend and I went to one of those psychic fairs. One of the people there told me I don't make friends, I make family. I suppose that's true of many of us. Don't we all have those people that go beyond the definition of friend? And thank heavens for them, they are precious!; 11:40 AM
Jayne Ann Krentz said...: I feel personally blessed in having several of the Quills as my closest friends. These are the people I turn to in good times and bad. I know they will always be there for me and I am there for them.

Friendship is one of the most important things in my life.

--Jayne; 1:03 PM
Anonymous said...: My best friend and I were best friends from the day we met in college (over 25 years ago). Even though we don't talk every day anymore (she moved), she's still the one person I can tell ANYTHING to and know she'll be interested, regardless of how mundane or trivial. I also have a group of friends I've known since 6th grade that get together for a weekend every year or so. It's great - we never run out of things to talk about.

I firmly believe all the info about how important friendship is to our health and sanity. The hardest part of working from home is that it limits opportunities for new friendships (at least it has for me!)

Carolyn; 1:58 PM
elizabeth said...: Friends are like affection--without them, life is pretty bleak.

My sister is my friend, and I have other sisters-of-the-heart, both in and out of the writing profession. My daughter is a friend, and I have other daughters-of-the heart.

Evan is my heart.; 2:04 PM
Stella said...: Suzanne: You do go for the fluffy little pieces, don't you?!

There isn't time to write all that I could about friends but I can do a little bit.

First, my eyes are already stinging and I'm doing some sniffing--not because I have a cold.

Jerry is my best friend, the 100% that joins with my 100% to make our love the most it can be.

Our children are rocks--I like, love and trust them.

Among the Quills I have dear friends to whom I can turn with anything. They're always there for me and my life would be incomplete without them. These women would be important to me with or without writing--we met as writers but drew together for so many reasons.

My brother and sister-in-law are two of the most special people I'll ever know. We can share, laugh, sniffle a bit when necessary and my brother and I have common memories only we understand.

Okay--it's getting too long. Friends made in so many places and so many ways--some who are dead but not forgotten, including Irene who died when we were 17. She may actually have been too good to stick around here any longer but I still wish she had.

That's it--all of you are special people and I wish you the best of friends, always.

Stella; 3:02 PM
Yasmine Galenorn said...: I have four divisions of friends, actually.

Close/Work Friends--friends who I can turn to in times of trouble about anything because they are also writers and understand that side of my life, too.

Close Friends--who are there for me, no matter what, but who I don't talk to about work very much because they just don't *get* it.

Casual/Work Friends--other writers with whom I've developed friendly, casual relationships.

And Casual Acquaintances--again, people I have an easy, friendly but not close friendship with who aren't writers.

The first two categories are ones who have built up over time, the second group evolves in one of three ways: either they grow into the closer relationships with time, they stay the same and are pretty much 'how you doin'' friends, or they disappear without animosity because they ran their course.

I love women and have a lot of women friends, but I have to admit that I miss having more men friends in my life--I get along with men pretty easy. I go through cycles and right now it's a women-friend heavy time. And that's okay, but now and then I need that testosterone (and though my husband's my sweetheart, lover, and best bud, I like talking to other guys too). I don't mind if he has other women friends, and he doesn't mind if I have guy-friends.

Yasmine; 3:55 PM
Susan Andersen said...: Sue, what a great subject.

I have both women and men friends. I grew up with brothers, and am particularly close to my oldest, with whom I regularly take 5 mile walks. I've also forged friendships with other guys through a common interest in hiking and skiing and such-- for most of my women friends aren't interested in some of the more sports-oriented stuff that I enjoy.

But it's the women in my life I'm more likely to confide in and I simply can't imagine life without girlfriends. The women friends in my life are both long term and relatively new. I have a couple since birth and a couple that I've known for nearly 30 years and some that are much newer. Everyone of them gives me so much.; 5:22 PM
Suzanne Simmons said...: I've read several interesting studies about the differences in the way men and women communicate. In a general sense, men "do" things with each other, while women talk things over.

I think we all realize that sharing our ups and downs with a close friend can decrease our stress levels. It's probably what has kept me sane all these years. (And I don't want to hear any snickers from certain Quills. You know who you are!); 6:32 PM
Karibear said...: I've always had a hard time making close friends, so I do my best to keep the ones I have. On the whole, I've gotten along better with men than women as an adult, but my longest-term friends are other women. There are categories - friends, and close friends. According to one of them, a friend is 'someone who will help you move' and a close friend is 'someone who will help you hide the body.' Works for me. And than keaven for email - my long-term friends are scattered between NYC, St Louis, Colorado, San Francisco, and 3 in various parts of Alaska.; 10:52 PM
Anonymous said...: I have four friends and numerous acquaintances. Two of my friends I´ve known my whole life the other two I got to know in my teenage years. These are my closest and best friends.
Everyone else is acquaintances, some of whom I like, admire and respect, but still just acquaintances, not friends.
Sirry; 11:31 PM
DFender said...: Suzanne,
I have very few close friends and I'd consider them "gold", maybe even "platinum", but don't tell 'em that! LOL

I have two friends that I've been close with since kindergarten. I have my best girlfriend who I met when I got divorced and was a struggling single Mom. The HHP is my bestestest friend and my kids are my friends, too. My son says I'm his best friend (so far! LOL). My Mom and my brothers are super close friends.

The rest of my friends I kinda lump together in the "silver" category. Some of these friends I know from being "on-line" and have "spoken" with them for over ten years. Some are friends from school that I try to make time to visit with. Some are work friends. I love 'em all though, no matter their "metal".

Yep, even the Quills are friends, aren't you ladies lucky? LOL LOL

Happy Thursday!
Deb; 3:22 AM
Carrie from Wisconsin said...: In reading all of your comments I have to say that all of you are very lucky. I haven't been lucky enough to have any, what I call, "real friends". Sometimes it bothers me, but at other times, like now, it doesn't. The reason is that for all of the people that I have known and drifted away from, none of them are what I ever would have called a "real friend".

No one ever took the time to really get to know "me" unless thay wanted something, like homework help or a ride somewhere or because they had nothing better to do. Other people said I don't maintain friendships because my standards are too high. The only friends I have that I can pick up with whenever are those that I knew in grade school, and that's only a handful. Time moved on and most of us grew apart.

I had a lot of tragedy in my life and I find that has changed me even more than time has changed them. I value things like friendship very highly. If I am to be your friend, I expect nothing less from you than what I give as a friend. As a friend I am always available, honest and loyal. If I do not get that in return, it is a relationship I do not need nor have time for. Is this a cynical view?

I guess a big part of me has been disillusioned at such a young age. I was the short little kid that always got picked on by everyone including family and kids I went to school with. I also had one thing in my favor, even though my sister hated me, her male friends never did and they "protected" me, taught me how a lot about myself. That's pretty much the story of my life from that point. I had lots of male friends and very few female friends because of that, especially when hormones came into play. Call it jealousy, I don't know. I do know this, after a while, I was confident with being smart and unique, prided myself in that aspect of myself. I had no need for conformity, still don't. What I do remember from my childhood is how I was the only "girl" allowed into the "all boys" tree house. That is until the girls threatened to tell their mothers (we were 10-12 at the time). That carried into high school and continued into college, big surprise since many times I was the only female in my engineering courses. Any of the "work friends" I had, didn't last after we stopped working with each other, much the way a long-distance relationship can have difficulty lasting.

It's funny, the posts I read and the more posts I make, I find that I have more in common with people that I have never met than I do with any other person I have ever met, except my husband. He too, has become my best friend, my world.

I guess this world contains some "friends" because I look forward to what is said, and if there are any threads that have a promise of continuing. Maybe there's hope for me yet!!

Carrie; 4:26 AM
DFender said...: Carrie,
It's fun to have guy friends. I have several. I don't think it's so much a matter of jealousy as it is insecurity. Some women are secure in a guy-girl friendship and some aren't and I think that carries over to girls become friends with another girl that has a lot of male friends. Geez, that sounded confusing, hope it makes sense to you.

Like some other girls here, I grew up with all brothers. I played football, basketball and baseball with all the neighborhood boys AND girls. Sometimes I was the only girl, sometimes not.

I've been in a male-dominated industry since I was 18, and after more than 20 years in the construction trade, I can tell you that I get along great with guys. I also get along very well with the few women I deal with in the business. I think it's an individual "thing" rather than a gender based thing.

Friendliness abounds,
Deb; 7:59 AM
Yasmine Galenorn said...: Carrie, one thing I've learned over the years is that the minute someone shows that they're looking just to use me, or now--I get a bit of the 'name-dropping' stuff with a few folks, that's it. I spent too many years catering to toxic people in my life, terribly toxic people. I won't allow it anymore. It's better to have a very few friends and a number of acquaintances than to have a lot of so-called friends who disappear when the going gets rough. I'm no longer willing to make myself available to people who only want something from me. And I try never to do that to others. Even in networking, it's important to at least have some respect for the person you're networking with, and to find some common ground.

And even good friends can leave your life, in many ways. Moving to a new city can put a strain on a friendship, personal growth can mean you outgrow a friendship, and death, of course. While you can't replace the friend you lost, eventually, you might meet new ones.

Internet friendships are new territory still--it's fascinating how close you can become to someone. I've met a number of my net-friends over the years. Sometimes, the friendships held and strengthened. And a few times, I realized that the persona they presented wasn't the persona I met. Mostly, it's been good. I consider net friends very 'real' in terms of friendships, but I wait till I actually meet them before putting a lot of trust there. :)

Yasmine; 11:04 AM
cameron cruise said...: Suzanne--What a wonderful topic!

I just received a call from a very old friend who lives in London. I have known her since we were in middle school. We actually went to college together and studied abroad in Paris. I am her daughter's Godmother and I was the matron of honor at her wedding, which took place in the most northern tip of Scotland in a castle in Wick. It was amazing, kilts and the aurora borealis, you can't beat that!

I hadn't heard from her in about three years. She has two small children and is very busy. But she called to say that her New Year's resolution was to get back in touch.

The really great thing about those "old" friends is that time really does seem to stand still. Those experiences you have way back when last forever.

CC.; 2:39 PM
Karibear said...: Carrie: I was also one of the not-very-popular girls in grade school. I was the ultimate tomboy, and I can still remember how outraged I was when I discovered that I might grow up to be 'Jane' but never 'Tarzan'! I always played with the boys and roamed around the woods, which none of the other girls did - they were into dolls and tea parties.

Once I got to higher grades, I still wasn't popular, because I got grades that were too good - and by then, the boys were only interested in girly girls, not ones that could out-run or out-bat them.

My first husband was essentially the same. He was happy as long as he could feel superior, but once he found out I could drive a tractor better than he could, it was all over. Of course, there were other problems also, but that's a prime example.

My final alternative was to move somewhere that gender didn't matter, only ability, and that's when I actually started making female friends - other women who were just as capable and independent. But I also made a point, eventually, of contacting a few of the girls I'd known back in jr high and high school, and life experiences we'd all had made it a lot easier to re-connect, and 2 of them I consider to be my oldest friends now.

Yes, there is hope.; 3:17 PM
Ranurgis said...: It's a very interesting topic for me right now. In many ways, I have to split mine too: those I meet through my reading and those I know personally.

Sadly, I've had to let many personal friendships lapse. I do have an old friend, one that I met in the German-style kindergarten (nursery school) when we were around 3 years old. We are not steady correspondents but we call each other at Christmas or New Year's and on our birthdays. That reminds me that I haven't called or heard from her since her birthday in October.

Having moved around a lot in my life, she has been my constant. Most of my friends live elsewhere and require e-mail, telephone calls, or regular mail. I can keep up pretty well with the first, the second is too expensive at the moment, and the third...well, just be glad that you don't have to read my handwriting. And that too is getting to be very expensive from Canada since it is all automatically sent air mail and costs close to $2 now. Actually, a telephone call is almost cheaper.

Since I no longer have a car to get around with, I feel quite friendless here. My best friend has been at her parents-in-law's place where she is helping to care for her husband's mother for more than a month. Another friend who doesn't have a car either is often so sick that she rarely picks up the telephone. So at the moment, I have acquaintances more than true friends. In many ways, I'm to blame for that.

But I think I truly have friends that are gold. We can easily pick up our conversations too. Oddly enough though, I can sometimes talk better with the husbands than with the women. I have more in common with them: politics, world news, science rather than kids, cooking and fashion.; 7:34 PM
therese said...: Friends and family - what is the difference? Because of the loss of many friends and family the past year and a half, I've been taken on a new journey in life where my family have really crystalized into exceptional friends and my friends and settled into roles as a new family. It's been an amazing cycle and since I've met many of you quills in some way, I feel the freinds you are together.
Every new year should begin with a rejoice for the friends and family we adore.

For those that don't feel warm and fuzzy about either, keep trying, it is worth more than words can say.; 11:36 PM
Carrie from Wisconsin said...: Hey all,

Thanks for the support. I'm glad to know that I wasn't alone. I did find the perfect solution to my problem. I married a guy who is definitely smarter than me. He hasn't been tested recently, but I swear he must be what I would categorize as a latent genius. He can learn anything he wants to when he wants to. His brain works so fast it's scary. I do not feel alone anymore.

I miss outside contact, but I haven't been able to find anyone other than my husband that I felt could truly understand me until I started contributing to the numerous Quill blogs. Everyone here seems genuine. There are a few of you that I think we might be friends if we were to meet. It's nice to have that. Thanks.

Carrie; 12:57 AM

Previous Posts

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Suzanne reflects on the subject of Friendship

23 Comments: