JAYNE DISCOVERS THE SHOPPING CHANNELS

I love to shop. I've come to the conclusion that the world is divided into two camps: Those who like to shop and those who, uh, well, don't. I do not pretend to understand the latter group.

For me, the words "retail therapy" have deep meaning. There is nothing like an afternoon stroll through Nordstrom after a long morning at the computer to soothe and relax me. I don't always feel the necessity to make a purchase (don't tell Nordstrom) but somewhere inside I am always on the hunt. I savor the little thrill of wondering if this is the day when I will find the perfect blazer or a pair of jeans that are actually comfortable, maybe even a lipstick that will stay on for more than five minutes. I appreciate retail establishments that pay attention to the art of the shopping experience by providing exciting displays and attractive interior design. I also appreciate good service and knowledgeable sales people.


Having said all this, it turns out that I am a couple of decades behind discovering the pleasures of the television shopping networks. For ages I never paid any attention because I assumed that there would simply be no fun in it. How could that kind of shopping provide the full array of tactile and visual delights associated with the in-store experience? Television shopping sounded like it would consist of nothing more than watching an endless string of commercials.

Boy, howdy, was I wrong!!!

Enlightenment came soon after I bought a large device cleverly designed to instill excruciating boredom in the user -- an elliptical trainer. My wonderful engineer husband, Frank, set up a new flatscreen t.v. for me to watch while I did the hamster routine on the exercise machine. For a while I watched television news and the weather channel. When that grew too depressing I moved on to foreign soap operas and the country-western music channel. When those were no longer enough to hold my attention, I started flipping through arcane channels that I didn't even know existed. Televangelists, talk shows starring mean-spirited hosts, cooking shows, home improvement networks. I tried 'em all

And then, one glorious day after a futile search for a new episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter, I happened upon a charismatic woman selling the perfect pair of silver earrings. Those earrings had my name on them. I have never looked back.

Now, after months of watching brilliant, talented salespeople (these folks are GOOD!) demonstrate everything from cookware to necklaces, I have become a devoted addict. They even gave me a special little card with my very own customer number. Woo hoo!

It took me a while to figure out just why I enjoy shopping shows so much but I have finally come to the conclusion that it is the modern, updated version of that quintessential American shopping experience: the guy at the fair with the slicer-dicer thing that can replace every tool and device in your kitchen. Remember those heaps of incredibly thin sliced carrots? The curlicue potatoes? The instant mound of sliced cabbage for coleslaw? And all demonstrated without so much as a pause in the fascinating sales patter. That was an art form. And I'm here to tell you that it is alive and well on the shopping channels. Operators are standing by.

So, what do you do while you're spinning the hamster wheel?