Running With Quills: Suzanne gives fair warning: Q&A’s guaranteed to drive a writer nuts.

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Suzanne gives fair warning: Q&A’s guaranteed to drive a writer nuts.

I swear I didn’t make any of these questions up. I didn’t have to. I have been routinely asked these questions at corporate functions, cocktail parties, even family reunions. Here are just a few of the questions guaranteed to drive a writer nuts. (Along with some of my very own suggested tongue-in-cheek answers.)

Q: "Are you still writing?"

Gracious Answer: "Yes, I am. I’m currently working on my 42nd book." (Smile pleasantly.) "Writing is in my blood. I’ll never stop writing. In fact, I love writing so much I’d do it even if I wasn’t getting paid."

Snippy/Impatient Answer: "Yes, I am." (Raise one eyebrow and frown.) "Are you still a doctor?" "Are you still a teacher? (Substitute appropriate profession as needed.)

What-you’d-really-like-to-say-on-a-bad-day Answer: "Hell, yes. Do I look like I can afford to retire?" (Throw hands into the air and gaze toward the heavens beseechingly.) "I’m working 24/7. I’m up to my eyeballs in plot problems. My computer ate Chapter 32 yesterday and I discovered too late that I’d failed to back it up. I hate my story. I hate my characters. In fact, I hate writing." (Note to self: TMI.)

Q: "Do you do any research for your books?"

Gracious Answer: "Yes, I do." (Smile pleasantly.) "As a matter of fact, I just returned from a research trip to the heart of Borneo where I studied the mating rituals of the bobonos, which, as I’m sure you know, are a nearly extinct species."

Snippy/Impatient Answer: "You mean beyond a lifetime of studying and reading?"

What-you’d-really-like-to-say-on-a-bad-day Answer: "Who needs to do research? I make it all up. That’s why it’s called fiction."

Q: "I have a great idea for a story, but I don’t have the time/the talent/the discipline to get it down on paper. Will you write the book for me?"

Gracious Answer: "Regrettably I must decline your kind offer. Right now I have so many ideas that I won’t need any for the foreseeable future." (Smile pleasantly.) "But I can give you the name of a good ghost writer."

Snippy/Impatient Answer: "Ideas are a dime a dozen."

What-you’d-really-like-to-say-on-a-bad-day Answer: "Hell, no. Writing is hard work. That’s why it’s called work."

Q: "How much money do you make?"

Gracious Answer: "My income varies from year to year." (Smile pleasantly.) "The average writer in this country makes less than $5000 annually. I’m somewhere between the average and the bestsellers at the top of the New York Times list."

Smug Answer: "Let’s just say that I'm laughing all the way to the bank."

What-you’d-really-like-to-say-on-a-bad-day Answer: "Enough about me. How much money do you make?"

Inquiring Minds want to know, of course: What kind of questions do you get in your personal or professional life that drive you nuts? Do you have clever answers on the tip of your tongue? Or are you more like me and think of the perfect comeback an hour later?

Cheers!
Suzanne

39 Comments:

DFender said...: Ah, Suzanne, a subject near and dear to my very last damn nerve...lol.

I've been in a male-dominated industry for 23 years. I still get asked...

You're in construction? Aren't you a girl?
Nice answer: Yes, yes I am, thank you for inquiring.
Pissy answer: Well no, I may not be because I wanna shove my foot down your throat right now.

You actually estimate and/or bid projects?
Nice answer: Yes, I've been doing this for years, a nice man taught me how a long time ago.
Pissy answer: No, I'm talking to you because all the men are busy and they pulled me off of a street corner to answer the telephone.

General questions I'm asked A LOT:

What size shoe do you wear? Boy, your feet sure are small.
Nice answer: I wear a size 2 in kids and a size 4 in women's.
Pissy answer: An 11, you?

Is your hair color natural?
Nice answer: No, I pay someone to highlight it to blend in the gray.
Pissy answer: Of course, isn't yours?

Ugh... I can't believe people ask you how much money you make as a writer. Sheesh. I don't think any one cares how much an accountant/estimator makes... thank God! LOL.

Happy Wednesday...
Deb; 8:34 AM
Lynn said...: LMAO! Thanks, I needed that. Aren't people fun? (Still chuckling...) I suppose after a few cocktails everyone thinks they can write, but very few are authors.

Guess mine remains "oh, you need a degree for that? I thought you just read books" when people ask me what I had to do to be a librarian.

I just smile and think joyously of the day those school loans will be paid.

The second one would be "gee, you don't look like a librarian."

I'm never sure how to take that one. I'd like to say, "gee, thanks, you don't look like an idiot."

:-); 8:38 AM
Anonymous said...: My biggest challenge has been convincing people a technical writer is not just about knowing how to type. There is a perception that any one can write technical manuals - which may be true, but that doesn't mean they're usable ones! Even my kids were against me - my son used to tell everyone I was a "typer."

The main question I get asked is "how do you know what to write about?" My standard answer is that I work with the engineer or programmer and the product or system to get the info. But I always want to say something smart alecky like "I just channel it."

I also can't believe anyone asks how much money you make! Their mothers would be appalled.

Carolyn; 8:53 AM
Jayne Ann Krentz said...: My favorite question and answer scenario happens almost every time I have been introduced by some well intentioned friend as, "this is Jayne Ann Krentz. She writes books".

Other Person (looking at me with flattering interest): "Really? You write books?"

Me (with dread in mny heart): "Yes."

Other Person: "What kind do you write?"

Me (resigned to the inevitable): "Romantic suspense."

Other Person (with great enthusiasm): "I love romantic-suspense. I'll bet I've read some of your books. What name do you write uner?"

Me: "My own."

Other Person (with blank look on face). "Oh."

We both change the subject.

--Jayne; 9:00 AM
jackietoo said...: I worked in child care for about 20 years, first as a nanny and then in day care. THE question was "When are you going to get a real job?"

Usually I would just smile and laugh it off but I wanted to say "You come spend 10 hours a day in a small room with 10 - 15 three-year-olds and see how REAL it is!"; 9:04 AM
Lisa said...: This one isn't work related, but I hear it every so often:

"How come you're still single?"

Gracious answer: "Because, the best men are already taken...like you."

Snippy answer: "Because the world is filled with losers...like you."

If they start off with "Hey little lady..." they're guaranteed to get the snippy answer.; 9:05 AM
Kat said...: I work as a receptionist at a place called California Studies, we hire Graduate students to intern at the CA State Capitol, and around application season, every Jan and Feb of each year, here are some of the questions I get:

Q- "I know the postmark deadline is Feb 28th, but can I mail it in before?"
A- (If its the first call of the day) - "Yes, please do"
Pissy answer - "No. You MUST mail it on the 28th"

Q- "I'm on your website and looking at the application, what do I do next?"
A- (Always is) Normal people would begin filling it out

This one always comes on the 28th:
Q- "Have you received my application yet?"
Nice Answer - "I don't know, give me your name and email and I will let you know if we have or not"
Pissy answer - "Why don't you wait until we send out emails to people letting them know?"

And then there are the questions to which my answer is to hang up on them...

Questions about my education and schooling:

Q- "Why major in Criminal Justice? Why not something useful like English?"
Nice answer - "Well, because I want to be a lawyer and I really don't like English enough to make it my life."
Pissy answer - "Because I want to make 100,000 a year screwing stupid people like you over."

Q- "Don't you think being a lawyer is going to be hard for you?"
Always the answer - "I figure if it is, I can always flip burgers like you."

Sometimes people make me laugh with their stupidity; 10:05 AM
Anonymous said...: When I got married (Jan. 4) (just a quick courthouse wedding, we had been talking it over for awhile and it was kind of a late Christmas present to both of us), most people didn't say "congrats", or "I'm happy for you", they asked me if I was pregnant. (Which I'm not) after the first three I started asking, "Do I look pregnant to you?!" You can bet that when I finally do become pregnant (3 or 4 years down the road), those people who asked will be the VERY last to know.; 10:15 AM
elizabeth said...: LMAO!

My faves: "Why do you put sex in your books?"

Answer: "Why shouldn't I?"

If they persist on the sex question, I say "Less than 2% of my books deal with sex, yet you've fastened on that. Aren't you getting any?"

And that's on a good day.

*evil twin grins*; 11:30 AM
elizabeth said...: Jayne--that happens all the time to me. I've gotten so that I answer brightly, "Writing is the perfect career. You can be very successful and entirely anonymous."

Or, when hearing my writing name. "Uh, I don't read you."

Smile: "Good. I don't like to talk about work when I'm in the grocery line/department store/fishing/etc."; 11:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Q;
When will your book be published?

A:

Um, when a publisher buys it.

One of my children has abundant and very curly hair.

This question gets asked several times a week.

Q;
Is that natural?

A:
Yep.; 11:42 AM
Lori Foster said...: ROTFLMAO!!! Suzanne,I love it. I get the "are you still writing" question ALL the time. Makes me nuts. I never thought to reply as you suggested, but it's a good one!

Jayne, I can't believe someone who reads romance hasn't read you? Who is it? I'll set him/her straight pronto!

I love it when someone - often a doctor - tells me that he/she has been thinking about writing a book.
:-) That's it - go on thinking about it. That'll get it done! LOL

Hugs,

Lori; 11:46 AM
Michele said...: I am a high school teacher so the conversation usually goes something like this....

Them: So you're a teacher?
Me: That's right?
Them: What age? Elementary school?
(Note: I am a slightly over 5 foot petite blond)
"Me: No, high school.
Them: Oh.
(long pause)
Them: What subject?
Me: Math.
Them: Oh.
(painfully long pause here)

or
Me: Math
Them: Ooooh. I was never good in math.
I usually smile, but I really want to say
"Hmm, I hear that a lot. However, I don't hear 'I was never good at reading' all that often".

It's one of my pet peeves. Math is a language, just like music or English. All of them take practice, all of them take someone introducing you to whatever it is that catches your interest in the subject. But people are so quick to say that they are terrible in math.

Okay, off my soap box now.; 11:52 AM
Suzanne Simmons said...: What fun to read your comments, gang. Your Q&A's made me laugh out loud!

I didn't include one question/comment made to me because I wasn't amused at the time and because only two people have had the nerve to say it to me. (Both had had way too much alcohol to drink, btw.)

Comment: "So, you write smut."

My response: I ignored them and walked away. (Some Q or comments don't deserve a response, imho.)

~Suzanne; 12:27 PM
elizabeth said...: You're nicer than I am. When someone came up to me and announced that I wrote pornography, I said, "I don't read pornography, so I'll defer to your expertise."

The smut statement gets my standard: "You've just told me more about you than about my books."

Is it any wonder I rarely do public stuff?; 1:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Suzanne, that was a classic blog. I really loved your third answers. Lynn, I'm a librarian, too, and I used to want to scream when they said,"I'd like to be a librarian, I just love to read." Still laughing......; 2:03 PM
Shana said...: LOL good topic. When people find out I am a 911 dispatcher I get all kind's of questions. What's the strangest call you ever got? What the funniest..saddest etc. Usually when they ask about the strangest I tell the person there are to many to mention.; 2:41 PM
BiblioHarlot said...: After reading this post the first thing that popped into my mind was Bill Engvall's stand-up routine. His "Here's Your Sign" (aka..stupid people should wear signs) jokes are great. Some of those questions are definitely "Here's Your Sign" worthy!; 5:27 PM
karende said...: I've been asked a lot of weird questions over the years, and have learned the hard way to NOT make the answers I'd prefer. Some people just don't have a sense of humor, sometimes I just blow it.

The funniest I can remember was a few months after my daughter was born. She has this incredible blond hair and it was like thick peach fuzz in the beginning, then started growing out rapidly, and looked just like a boy's haircut. One day I was at the post office, showing her off in a cute little sailor dress, and a very drunk older woman came up to me and snarfed at me for dressing my little boy like that. I said "His name is Melissa" [thinking that might give her a clue] and she said "That just makes it worse!"

karibear; 6:42 PM
Pia said...: Hi Suzanne,

I really enjoy the topic you chose. I just made a blog about some annoying questions that hubby and I have been getting from people oddly some of them are more than aquaintaces.

We have been married for 4 years and no kids, yet, but I can tell you that it isn't because of the lack of trying .

So some questions/comments that I truly dislike are...
"You guys have been married for a long time, no babies yet"? or "Any good news"?, "Do you like to have babies at all"? and "So and so just had a baby, they are so happy with their new bundle of joy, when will you guys be"?

Like, do we look truly unhappy? In response, Bong rubs his belly and says "I think I am the one getting pregnant". I on the other hand just politely smile since I am at such a lack of words.; 10:22 PM
Lori Foster said...: Shana, some of the stories you've shared have been heartbreaking! I don't know that I could do your job.
Hugs,

Lori; 6:10 AM
Lisa F. said...: One comment that I absolutely hate is directed at stay at home moms. People assume because you don't have a job outside the home that you have an abundance of free time. I believe the people with this mentality has never spent time with rambunctious toddlers, then supervised elementary school homework, then prepared dinner for the family.; 6:15 AM
Anonymous said...: I really don't like lying in the sun so I don't have a tan. In my younger days, I remember someone getting really annoying and asking why I don't go get some sun. I just looked at her and said, "How can I get some sun, it's 93 million miles away!" She was too dumbfounded to come up with an answer.

My DH and I were married for 5 years before we had kids. My in-laws were really nice and never pressured us. I got it all the time from my side, but I couldn't retaliate because of their age. On my mom's side of the family, you were considered an old-maid if you weren't married by the age of 18. When I turned 18, my grandmother gave me my wedding quilt and told me she didn't think she would be alive (guilt trip here) when I got married. She was right, she died when I was 20 and I got married 4 years later. What is it with people urging you to get married/have babies. I tell my kids that I'm in no hurry to have grandkids. That it's better to take their time and find the right person.

When my youngest was a baby, I dressed him as a boy. But people kept calling him a girl because he had thick eyelashes! I would just say, no he's a boy that's why he's dressed this way.

Argh!

Evie; 6:19 AM
Suzanne Simmons said...: karibear: I am still LOLOLOLOL at your story!

I also got the Question about when are you going to have a baby. And the sun Question. I have dark hair and fairly pale skin. Well, I had dark hair until my hair stylist, Michael Angelo (no joke!)talked me into going blonde three years ago.:-)

You all gave me so much to chuckle/laugh about. Thank you for sharing your stories!; 9:28 AM
Stella said...: Sue: Thank you for a great laugh. I've been working for about ten hours and I'm feeling a little wrung out, or I was. People are wonderful and so are your proposed answers to stupid questions.

"Do you still write smut?" yelled across a a bunch of people is still my favorite hateful question/comment. This from a woman "working" her way up the corporate ladder. My response was, "Of course, wouldn't give it up for anything." I've had better ideas since but don't we all find the perfect comeback when it's too late.

Stella; 10:56 AM
ashefrog said...: Karibear - my middle child is a daughter and was pretty bald the first year to year n half of her life. I would dress her in frilly dresses, had her ears pierced and ppl still asked "Is it a boy or a girl?" Didn't bother me as much as my Dad. I thought he was going to come to blows on more than on occassion.

As far as the "when you having kids?" I have a couple of friends who have had trouble conceiving and I am amazed at how thoughtless ppl can be with their nosy ?s.; 12:54 PM
Anonymous said...: A friend of mine has twins - a boy and girl. You wouldn't believe the number of people who asked if they were identical.

Carolyn; 2:00 PM
dee said...: people aak about the money so they know which box to catergorise you in, I found social functions go like this name, address thereabouts, occupation.

some booksellers have no idea that
Jayne has three names, AQ, JAK and Jayne Castle

as to the drive you nuts question, my actual name (not posted one) - nobody hardly gets it right or at work, can we change this, (no that's why it's called a set menu); 2:54 PM
Yasmine Galenorn said...: The writing ones are pretty standard and most are listed here. What really ticks me off are the questions about why I don't have children. I chose not to have children, my husband chose to get a vasectomy. We're happy with our choices.

I'm 40...well...definitely 40+ at this point, but a number of people think I'm in my 30's and I still get women (mainly women) overhearing me talk to friends about being happy I don't have kids who come up and yell at me, criticizing me and telling me I'll regret it when you're older...I never give nice replies to these attacks.

I look at them and say, "I AM older, and why the hell is it your business anyway?"; 5:07 PM
karende said...: Yasmine: I'd never planned to have kids either, not so much because I didn't like them, as because of my own growing up years. Then in my late 20s I think I went totally nuts, because it didn't seem like such a bad idea. [I should mention that apparently it was just thinking that that finally did it, because I got pregnant twice while using 'fail safe' methods of birth control.] Now I have them, all grown up, and I wouldn't trade them for the world - but it seems that my sanity has finally returned and I can't, even at this late date, imagine deliberately having children.

The funny thing was that before I got pregnant the first time, various friends would tell me all about their trials and tribulations and how they had to borrow $$ to go out of town for an abortion, which couldn't be done in our town because the only hospital was owned by a Catholic order and the only surgeon was Catholic. After I got noticeably larger, they stopped talking to me about such things, and I thought they'd finally gotten some sense and had their tubes tied. Wrong. Turned out they were afraid I'd be judgmental rather than sympathetic. Considering some of them, though, I did think a tubal ligation was definitely in order. They all came from severly dysfunctional families and swore never ever to bring more children into the kind of world they knew, although a couple did do private adoptions and then get tied. One of my former roommates was one, and she swore if her parents found out she was expecting and tried to get custody [she was in her late 20s at the time], she'd drown it in a bucket before letting them get their hands on it. A sad commentary on the state of the family - her parents were active in their church and her father was a deacon, so one can only imagine what went on behind closed doors.

Karibear; 7:41 PM
Suzanne Simmons said...: Thank you all for sharing your stories. It's amazing how Q&As can be so funny, outrageous, poignant, unbelievably rude, and downright hilarious.

I was stuck for a blog idea this week. Had no idea this one would create so much interest.

Happy weekend!
Suzanne; 1:01 PM
Ranurgis said...: I was going to write this the other day but had to put it off.

When I'm asked what kind of job I do, I usually say, "I used to teach but I'm on disability now."

"Oh, but you look so good. So what's the matter with you."

"A host of things," I answer, "but you just named the illness."

"Huh?"

"Yep. It's called 'Oh, but you look so good'. Therefore you can't be ill. But I wouldn't wish this on anybody."

Or I'll meet a friend and said friend asks how I am. Oddly enough, I can't even lie in such a case though I won't tell the whole truth but just "I've felt better." "Oh, good, good. Glad you're doing so well."

I had a friend who would answer any question about her health with a very hearty "Excellent, just excellent." That, of course, made me feel ten times worse.

Or people that call you every day and ask how you are and you've been the same for the last 5 years or more. Then you get the "friends" who constantly tell you how you'll get better. "Just go for a run for half an hour. That'll help anything." Hmm yes, especially if I fall on my head because my back, legs, head and even the tip of my pinkies hurt, to say nothing of being totally fatigued.

But it certainly showed me how insincere most people are when they ask "How are you?" They only expect to hear one answer: "I'm doing great" and don't wait for what the other person says.

As for when I was teaching, I can remember the first day at a new school in Germany where I taught the academic branch of the system that covered grades 5-13 at the time. I confidently approached the door and opened it. Inside stood a janitor. "Oh, you can't come in yet. It's not time for the bell to ring. Only teachers are allowed in." "Well," said I, "I guess I'm in the right place." I was all of 32.; 5:44 PM
Ranurgis said...: I was just thinking why people might be so eager to ask writers how much they earn. I think you can pretty well look up the expected average salary or earnings of anyone except those with a creative job liking writing, painting, photography. So I can understand the curiosity up to a point. And maybe some of them wonder if they might be able to write too if the money isn't too bad.

However, I would never ask anybody how much they earn--not even my siblings though I've heard it from some of them or did their accounting for them. All three of them are or were self-employed.; 5:52 PM
Suzanne Simmons said...: ranurgis~you make an excellent point about why people would be curious about how much a writer (or, as you point out, anyone with a creative job) makes. I think it's part curiosity and part trying to figure out if they could make any money if they tried it.

FWIW, I have no idea how much money my siblings make. :-) At least not beyond the general concept that one makes more than I do and one makes less.

Happy weekend all!
Suzanne; 8:12 AM
Lori Foster said...: So true, Suzanne, but then anyone IN this biz quickly learns that comparisons are pointless. Knowing what you make doesn't help the new author to know what SHE might make, and vice versa. This isn't apples to apples, so the information is worthless to anyone requesting it.
I have gotten great advice along the way from more established friends who could look at my printruns and tell me that I should be making more, or was lucky to have what I had. LOL.
But beyond that, there's no way to tell an author might make. There are just too many variables.
It's not a clerk's job where everyone at a certain stage should have a level of pay.

Also, like you said, I have no idea what anyone around me makes unless they've told me because they wanted financial advice. (My husband gets a lot of that!)

But when people ask ME what I make, I automatically turn it into a generalized question of what authors make, and give basically the same answer you did. :-)

Lori; 5:20 AM
jackietoo said...: I came across this in a list of "words to live by".

When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to
know?"; 9:57 AM
Melissa said...: I'm a brown-eyed redhead, and the only one for two generations in my family. So I get questions like:

Q: Is it natural?
A: Yes, it is.
Snippy Answer: Yes. I sat out in the rain when I was a child and it rusted. I've never been able to wash it out!

Q: Why don't you look like your sister?
A: Ask my parents.

I also get the librarian questions, and the 'when will you have babies' question, but mostly from my family. I can't be snippy to them, so I smile through gritted teeth and then go eat half a pound of chocolate when the coast is clear.; 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm a nurse. If I tell people what I do they tend to tell me all about their pet illness, or their last surgery!

Most annoying question:
Why be a nurse? Why not a doctor?

Usual answer:
Well actually I don;t have one. it depends on my mood, but usually along the lines of why would I want to be a doctor?

I mean seriously, doctor and nurse are NOT the same thing!

Then there are the phone calls I field from my friends that go along the lines of...hey can you look at my foot/arm/finger/rash/lump... and tell me what you think?

Usual answer:
If you are worried enough about it you need to go SEE A DOCTOR!

Siân, NZ; 6:27 PM
JenK said...: I test software. I usually get:

Oh, so you're a beta tester?

No, beta testers are volunteers who use the software they way they normally do. I analyze the design requirements, determine priorities, run the software under a variety of test conditions, report the bugs, and confirm that fixes don't break anything else. All of which begins well BEFORE the beta test.

Oh, and I get paid. Well.

Can you fix my computer?

Yes.

Great. The problem is -

You are aware that can is different from want to, yes?

Wow, you must work with a LOT of men!

So?; 6:57 PM

Previous Posts

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Suzanne gives fair warning: Q&A’s guaranteed to drive a writer nuts.

39 Comments: