Jayne Takes a Walk in the Park

I live in the city for a reason. Nature is all very well and good but I prefer it at a distance. Every time I go out into the wild I get traumatized. I've had some scary experiences whenever I've ventured too far away from pavement. I won't go into details but bears were involved in Yellowstone, a pack of coyotes in Arizona, and stingrays in the Caribbean.

Until recently, however, I have felt safe in city parks. Aside from the odd flasher or panhandler, the wildlife has always been relatively harmless. I regret to report that situation has changed. There is no question in my mind but that squirrels have become dangerous. I feel like Cassandra trying to warn everyone about the Trojan Horse: No one pays any attention because everyone thinks squirrels are cute.

I discovered the truth about squirrels the hard way on a recent stroll through Freeway Park here in Seattle. (What little chunk of urban greenery could be further removed from the harsh reality of nature than a park built over an Interstate?). The first indication of trouble was a faint rustling in the undergrowth beside the path. I caught the flash of a squirrel tail and assumed that the little fellow was scurrying away, trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and the big human who had invaded what he considered his territory. Such was not the case. It soon became clear that the squirrel wasn't running away, he was stalking me.

That sucker set up an ambush. I kid you not. Exhibiting the cold-blooded cunning of a professional robber, he raced ahead and leaped out onto the path directly in front of me. He then rose up on his hind legs and made menacing gestures. It soon became clear that I would not be allowed to proceed until I had given the little runt a treat. I tried shooing him away but he didn't budge. There was no fear of me whatsoever in those little beady eyes, just glittering hostility and a demand that I turn over any food that I might have on my person.

Alarmed, I retreated a few steps. The squirrel followed and uttered threats. I turned and quickly started along a different path. The squirrel made a beeline through the trees to intercept me. In that harrowing moment one terrible word came to mind: rabies.

In the end I am happy to report that I was able to outrun the squirrel but it was a near thing. What's more, there have been additional incidents and they are getting worse. I have discovered that my experiences are not isolated events. Google "Squirrel attacks" and you'll get nearly two million hits.


Squirrels may look cute but we must never forget that they are actually RODENTS. What's more, the beasts are evolving and getting smarter. Check out the following film clips if you don't believe me: Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel , Carling Black Label - Mission , Squirrel on a Impossible Reggae Mission . Something very unnatural is going on here.

I have been giving the looming problem of squirrels a lot of thought and I have come to the only logical conclusion. Squirrels are obviously aliens in disguise and they are here to take over the planet.

You have been warned.