Running With Quills: PDAs--for or against?

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

PDAs--for or against?

Once upon a time a friend and I went to visit another friend in the hospital. While we were there a young couple came to visit our sick friend as well. As we were occupying the only available chairs in the room, they stood to converse. After a bit, the husband moved behind his wife and wrapped his arms around her waist. Occasionally he would snuggle her close as he visited with our sick friend.

I like seeing people display affection so I didn't think anything of it. They just looked like kids in love to me and I'm always happy to bear witness to folks in love. But my friend made a comment later that made it clear she thought it was inappropriate, that a hospital room was no place for cuddling. I didn't quite get what she was objecting to. Since then, however, I've discovered public displays of affection are a hot button for a lot of people.

Image by Free-StockPhotos.com

Now I've been known to indulge in the occasional PDA myself. I've been married nearly forty years and my husband and I still hold hands when we walk. We've kissed each other in, yep, public. I'm not talking hot and heavy tongue action, but still, a kiss. There's just so much crap in the world, so much violence and hate, that I'm not sure I understand why anyone would find that objectionable. If people aren't actually having sex in public or a too-close-for-comfort simulation, what's a kiss, a hug, a cuddle between those who bear another obvious affection?

But that's probably the point, isn't it? What's comfortable for one person can be very much not so for another. Clearly, my comfort level is high in this arena. But what about your own? C'mon, you can tell me. We don't have to agree. I'd just be interested in hearing your opinion.

32 Comments:

Tula said...: My husband passed away in 2001. Before he died he would frequently grap me from behind while we were walking through Wal-mart or shopping somewhere, or pat my behind standing in line at the VFW or the AmVets... Sometimes I would get annoyed that he was groping my person in public and I would tell him to stop... He didn't. I would give all my earthly possessions for some PDA and I don't care who would see it. I loved him while he was with me and I love him now. I will love him again someday when we are together again. Treasure every moment, no matter who is watching!; 9:55 PM
Erin said...: I'm perfectly fine with PDAs... seems like I have the same level of comfort as you Susan. When my ex and I used to go out, we were fairly touch-y. holding hands, hugs, occassional kisses. no making out in large public areas though. i figure it's only fair if I'm ok seeing the same with other people's PDAs. haha. =); 10:12 PM
Margay said...: I have no problem with a kiss, a hug, and genuine displays of affection in public. What I don't care for is groping or simulations of sex. If you're that into each other, get a room. If you want other people to see you do it, get a therapist because that's not right. But honest affection, that's fine.; 4:02 AM
DFender said...: Hiya Susan!

Like Margay, and probably several others, I have no problem at all with hugging, kissing (sans tongue)or hand-holding in public. Anything more graphic (or serious) tends to kinda gross me out.

That being said, the HHP laughingly slaps or grabs my dupa with regularity in public in an always failed attempt to embarrass me...lol. Does, or would, that offend some? I dunno, probably, if they missed us laughing like loons. LOL.

I have a pretty high tolerance for PDAs too, and tend to see a lot of PDAs as romantic. Making out in public? Iew. Holding hands, exchanging a smooch, hugging while on a beach or while watching a sunset is just lovely. Isn't the greatest thing seeing an elderly couple still in love and holding hands over a dinner table? Aw. I love that.

Deb; 5:01 AM
Margay said...: Another thing I find incredibly attractive about PDAs is the ones between fathers and their children. What can be more lovely than seeing a dad grab his child in a bearhug, unmindful of who might be watching? Lucky is the woman who nabbed that guy!; 5:29 AM
Patty L. said...: PDA is acceptable if you don't go over board. A kiss, a hug, a light pat is fine, but it drives me crazy when I see teenagers going at it in the mall. I mean come on show some discretion. I was a teenager once and never felt the need to inspect my boyfriends tonsils in the mall.

BTW I agree with Margay a dad showing affection to his children in public is wonderful (mom's too).; 5:56 AM
Anonymous said...: When I saw the title of the blog, I immediately thought it would be a discussion pro and con on the merits of hand-held computers. (grin) That shows you where my mind is. But I agree. PDA, as in affection (not passion) is lovely to see, especially in long-married couples. KathyK; 7:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Susan, I am very pro PDA. My hubby and I hold hands, hug and sometimes kiss, and we got married in 1970! I love families who hug and kiss and show affection no matter where they are. I will admit that I even got a little moist-eyed when I saw a young gay couple walking along holding hands. There is not enough love in the world. I think we should enjoy it! I think sex has its place-in privacy, or in the belief of privacy when you think you aren't seen, but Love should be everywhere.

Hugs!
Lynne Thomas; 7:38 AM
Mary Connealy said...: The only trouble with PDAs is, this is America.

So, one person's PDA is another's lewd conduct.

So sure, a little tongue, no big deal right? Except, oops, you were sitting in the middle of a 100 member 10-year-old skateboard team and their mom's threw a fit.

Then you find yourself getting thrown out of a major league baseball game.

Then (again because this is America) you sue MLB because other people were making out more than you.

Then MLB says, okay NO PDAs for anyone ever.

Then you and your cousin meet for a ballgame and it's your birthday and he hugs you and BOOM, you're standing on the parking lot.

Then you sue MLB because .. sick ... he's my COUSIN loser. You're saying my COUSIN can't give me a Happy Birthday hug is public?

Anyway, it's America. Nuthin's simple.

It's a wonder we don't all just stay home hiding under our desks.; 7:48 AM
ChrisTina said...: Susan
Good question!

I agree with Dfender and most of the previous comments. Maybe we need to have another category: PDA is OK. PDSS (public displays of simulated -- or real -- sex) is just tacky.

I also offer an observation: people's level of (dis) comfort really says more about THEM than about the PDA they are witnessing. When I teach interpersonal communication, I always highlight the textbook saying "When you point a finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at you." Food for thought, eh?

Chris

p.s. I ALSO thought the question was about organizational assistants!!!; 8:11 AM
Lori Foster said...: I love PDAs as long as they're PG rated. LOL. Once they go into the R or, on occasion, the X rated zone, then yeah... get a room!
;-)
I especially love seeing older couples who hold hands and make that special eye contact on occasion.

Hugs to all!

Lori; 8:34 AM
elizabeth said...: Evan and I have been known to display AFFECTION (not sex) in public. A kiss, arms around waists while walking, holding hands...all good. After being married for over 40 years, I figure we're harmless for public consumption. ;-); 10:22 AM
BousMama said...: I think PDAs are fine as long as it's kept rated PG. I can see where it might be uncomfortable and, well, rude, to watch a makeout session in public but a snuggle here and there and a sweet kiss and hand holding...I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I agree about PDSS.

I also thought this post was about organizers! lol.; 11:37 AM
susan andersen said...: Tula, the death of your husband certainly puts it in perspective. I'm sorry for your loss.

KathyK--I laughed like crazy. You're clearly younger than I. At least, I don't have a PDA. My nephews and nieces sure do, though. :)

We all seem to agree. That surprises me, but maybe it's because we're romance readers. We LIKE seeing the display of affection. And I'm with those of you wh said they love seeing dads openly affectionate with their kids and old, long time married couples. Both those things are so special.; 12:49 PM
susan andersen said...: Mary, LOL. Do you live in Seattle by any chance? We just had a case of a lesbian couple who smooched at a Mariner's game. They said it was nothing overt. Some around them were horrified and the women were kicked out. Law suits will doubtless ensue.

Americans can be such a crazy-ass mixture of sexuality and prudishness.; 12:57 PM
susan andersen said...: I also think we agree on PDAs as opposed to PDSS (clever, Chris!) Jeez, kids, do what I did...go find a private road somewhere to park and make out. Sheesh. :); 1:05 PM
Errin Ricketts said...: well i love pda's, i've always felt that if your spouse has no problem showing public displays of affection towards you then it shows that he's not ashamed of you and he wants to tell or show everyone that he loves you and that your his (or hers); 1:40 PM
Elizabeth Guest said...: Susan, I'm with you and most of those commenting on the blog. I love appropriate PDA between parents and children, and between loving couples (as long as it's PG rated.)

The DH and I hold hands in public; we always have. Sometimes we even steal a quick kiss in the bread aisle if no one is around. :-)

I may write "R" rated books, but I don't want to see it right in front of my face. :-)

Great weekend all!
~EG; 1:44 PM
Lori of Canada said...: Susan,

I know that I don't mind PDA but am uncomfortable around groping and explicit behaviour. However, I am also aware of how culturally bound this response is.

I took 40 teenagers to Europe over March Break. One of the places we visited was Pisa. As we exited this gorgeous baptistery (right next to a gorgeous cathedral), my students were shocked at people having sex on the grass around the baptistery.

I kind you not. I honestly thought they were exaggerating, until I looked over and realized that a particular up and down motion really meant what they thought it meant.... Some of my students were appalled, on boy ran a "victory lap" around one of the couples so someone else could take a picture.

The best response, though, was from the Italians who walked by our group. One woman shook her head, and said "Les Turistas" as she shook her head. Clearly, she didn't get why our students were horrified (mind you, their shock was closely connected to the fact that it was, to them, so close to a religious site).

Our tour guide, by the way, told us a law was being passed (or had passed) that allowed people to have sex in public. She was uncomfortable with some of the places that could apply to (imagine taking your grandmother, or children, to a park for a stroll and people are having sex on the grass?)

So, I stick to my preference that people should absolutely show physical affection for each other but simulated - or real - sex isn't something I want to watch as I walk down the street.

Lori M.; 5:54 PM
Judy F said...: I love seeing people holding hands, a quick kiss but much more then that would make me uncomfortable. My parents still hold hands and I think that is so sweet. Though dad used to say they were holding each other up. LOL

And Lori M WOW.

I remember being on vacation in NY and walking in Greenich Village. Doing the using vacation stuff looking around, up and the buidiings and saw a couple going at. My friend who was from NY was unphased. Me and my friend from the midwest were OMG it. Wasn't something I see in OHIO.; 7:40 PM
Lisa Hendrix said...: I have a rule for PDAs: If you don't want to watch your parents do it, you shouldn't be doing it in public yourself.

Pretty much covers it with the teenagers...and most anyone else.

I've been following iPhone news all day. I thought Personal Digital Assistant, too. Even when you started the hospital story. lol!; 7:47 PM
Jayne Ann Krentz said...: Susan: Love the fact that PDA has two very different meanings. I'm with the majority her -- PG rated PDA is fine with me. Outright sex or simulated sex is obviously intended to shock or astonish and that means it is not genuine intimacy -- just designed as an attention-grabber. That devalues the whole effort in my opinion and makes it low-rent and obnoxious.

--Jayne; 8:09 PM
SamG said...: I don't mind PDA's. That makes me a VERY BAD substitute teacher. We have a no PDA rule and I consistently turn away. I don't give the kids much time before I go back and say 'you better get to class now, that was enough of a goodbye'. I would of course break them up if it got to the 'get a room' phase.

The girls, who are drama laden and oftentimes actually very sad aren't even supposed to hug their friends to show commiseration or support. That's too harsh for me. I don't say anything to them either.

I sometimes wonder why they call me at all...

Sam; 8:28 PM
susan andersen said...: Sam, the kids probably ask for you by name. :); 10:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Living in Seattle and being a middle aged woman who lived most of my life in the American South, I have been surprised by how cooly people here treat each other in public. Maybe it's the Scandinavian influence or maybe it's the depression caused by the long overcast winters, but I miss seeing people emote. In the South, if you see a friend half a block away, you're yelling, "Hey, honey!" and heading their way for a hug (often loudly starting the warmup conversation on the way). Sons and husbands are SUPPOSED to put their arm around your shoulders or their hand on your elbow as you walk with them. People think less of you if you don't grab your grandbabies up and squeeze them 'til they squirm, all the while squeeling, "There's my most precious sweet pea!" Here there is a kind of reserve that seems to be cold on the surface, but I have learned that Seattleites (?) are actually very warm, wonderful people, who feel very deeply. What I am pointing out is that we are a very big world with many different ways of expressing ourselves and, therefore, just maybe, we ought to sit back and enjoy these differences as part of the dressing of our world. Now, come here and let me hug your neck.

Public kisses,
Lynne Thomas; 7:49 AM
Cissy said...: Count me among those who assumed this was going to be a blog on the merits of Blackberries and Palm Treos. I think that's a sad reflection of where my mind is these days *g* But as for the other kind of PDA... the key word for me is affection - hand-holding, little kisses, an arm around the waist or a snuggle - those are fine in my book. When you start getting into tonsil hockey and full body contact, I'm with those who say get a room.; 9:07 AM
Anonymous said...: I guess I'm in agreement with most here - as long as it's affection, not get a room action, it's all good. I think people need to see more affection & love in this world of violence. After 25 happily married years, I still love walking arm & arm with my honey & if I think no one is looking I may even drop my hand a bit & pat his lovely rear. And if we're alone, he might do the same and we continue walking arm in arm and having a lovely stroll.; 11:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Living in Hawaii you find that PDA's are a way of life here. Whenever you go anywhere you always kiss and hug both hello and goodbye. Also, when you are introduced to your friend's friend, again a kiss hello is the norm.

Still, there is a limit. I work at a large multiplex theatre in the heart of Honolulu, and Friday and Saturday night is teenage PDA hell for us. I have had to break some couples up while they stand in line for the concession item. A kiss, a hug, fine, great! but when the hands start roaming...that's enough especially in an environment that has a lot of small children and families. I don't even want to go into what happens in the theatre during the movie. The kids don't seem to have any sense of shame or embarrassment!

But then too, we get to see the great Mom's & Dad's with their kids. Young kids seem to be very hyper when they get out of the movie and talk 90 miles an hour. The best parents are the ones that actually listen to their kids, respond to them, and aren's afraid or embarrassed to hug and kiss their kids. They make me smile!

Kathy H; 12:19 PM
aussie dee said...: sounds to me more like a support cuddle than a 'cuddle' cuddle. and no I don't mind it at all.; 12:43 AM
Stella said...: I like to see couples show affection. No, I'm not thrilled with folks slobbering all over each other, especially if they're in my line of sight in a theater, but holding hands, a look, a nuzzle, a brief kiss--the more the better, say I.

Stella; 3:30 AM
Ranurgis said...: When I first saw the title of the blog, I thought, "Just what I've been looking for, some info on a portable computer to keep track of where I put things. I found the March present for my great-nephew this morning, only to look for it in vain when my sister invited me out for supper and I could have finally given it to her. Lol

Of course, I soon realized my mistake but couldn't figure out what this PDA abbreviated until almost the end of the blog.

And no, I don't mind this sort of PDA one bit either, unless people are canoodling too intensively or for too prolonged a time or it's obvious that one of the participants is seriously uncomfortable with it.; 8:29 PM
Anonymous said...: I come down on both sides of this issue!!! *he he he*

One of the most romantic things I ever so was a couple leaning against a column at BWI in the little regional plane area. He had backed up against the column and she was PLASTERED along the front of him. He laid one on her that about did the same to me as an awesome romance novel since should do.

BUT: I saw a teen, driving a car, stop and kiss her boyfriend in the passenger seat, three times in one light cycle. All I could think of was "GET YOUR MIND ON DRIVING AND KISS LATER!". I don't want them to be an accident waiting to happen.
SusanB; 9:02 AM

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

PDAs--for or against?

32 Comments: